Vulnerability in the Middle

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I found myself imagining the Israelites as they stepped between the raging waters as shared in Exodus. Exodus 14:29 tells us that “the Israelites walked through the sea on dry ground, with walls of water on both sides.”  I imagine it was amazing to see but quite unnerving to participate in. They had no clue when the waters would fall. In those moments, walking between the waters of the Dead Sea they were at their most vulnerable and had only their trust in God to see them through to the other side.

Isn’t that what happens to us the in the middle?  When we are in the middle of suffering and no matter which side we look  are walls that seem to want to crash down on us we are forced to allow Jesus into our vulnerability and trust that He has our lives in His hands. In the middle isn’t always pretty. In the middle can be messy. It can be difficult. It can be beautiful or it can be devastating. It can be painful or joyous. The middle is where the meat of life is found. It is where everything is at stake. It is where we are formed and made for more in His glory. It is also where we find ourselves at the peak of our vulnerability.

At the peak of our vulnerability Jesus wants to meet us and get us through to the other side and when we get there, if we have trusted in Him, we find that it is better than we ever could have imagined.  Right now I am at the peak of my own vulnerability. We are in the middle of our adoption journey and I find each moment of the day comes with different emotions. I am trying to hear God’s voice but the waves of doubt, fear and uncertainty are roaring on either side of me and I am in the middle: vulnerable and scared. The need is so great for families that it has overwhelmed my empathetic soul.

Today, I looked around and found myself angry and frustrated. Pushed over the edge by the words of another so much that I wanted to give up but then I heard God say “Be Still”. As I sat I was taken to Exodus and the splitting of the waters. I was reminded that the minute they stepped into the middle they were vulnerable but their trust in God was greater. I have to trust. I stepped into the middle and now I must trust the process. I must trust that the waters will not crash down. I cannot give them a voice louder than God’s.  I have to stand, in the middle, and zone out the waves to allow God’s voice to be heard trusting that moving forward will bring something so beautiful that I never could have imagined how wonderful it will be.

If you are in the middle, trust God. He is leading you toward a future that will go beyond anything you can imagine!

Struggling with 50

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To be honest, I am struggling with turning 50. Im not there yet. I am 47 but the idea of 50 has been an issue since I turned 45. I started feeling out of sorts. Like I didn’t fit in. Im no longer young and I am also not old. I’m in the middle and the middle is not comfortable. It’s the most uncomfortable space I have been in because my youth is gone and I am facing old age. I wouldn’t call it a midlife crisis because I don’t feel like I am in a crisis, maybe a midlife awakening. I am realizing things about life that I never thought of before. I am seeing things much more differently than I did as a younger woman. I am feeling the depths of life changes and how they mold us into the human beings we are meant to be.

Right now I am standing at an edge looking into the unknown just as I have in the past yet this unknown feels more important. It feels like it really needs to mean something. It feels like my opportunity to “do it right” and really make an impact in this world. How big of an impact really is up to God, but now, in this moment of my life as I stand at the edge ready to dive in, I feel the urgency to reinvent myself into a new woman God can fully use for His glory.  This new season of life just doesn’t seem to be a “me” season, but rather a “HIM” season and that feels good.

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But, again if I am to be honest, I am mourning the loss of my youth. There were so many mistakes I made that I wish I could change, but I can’t go back. There are so many moments that I cherish: having my babies, watching them grow, time with loved ones that have long since passed to Heaven. I don’t want to let go because it has made me the woman I am now. Every heartache, every tear, every laugh…they are all a part of me and even though I went through a lot in my youth, I love my life now and I don’t want to watch it end as quickly as it has taken for me to get where I am.

I guess I am mostly afraid that the last amazing half of my life will go just ask as quickly as the first half.

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So what is a woman to do? I don’t want to be one of those mid-life crisis women. Instead, I want to enjoy a mid-life level up. I want to take a good look at the past 40 years and determine what aspects weren’t so great and then I want to transform them. I want to renew things like my health, my spirituality and my relationship with others. I want to take time to be still, truly still and enjoy my surroundings. I want to walk barefoot in the grass, take up running again and enjoy being the free spirited woman that I always have been. I want to read my Bible every day and soak in all that I can so that I can pass it on to others and live my life fully in His grace. I want a deeper relationship with Christ, much deeper.

The best part? I can. I can reinvent myself. I can let go of past strongholds and just live free from anxiety, fear or regret. I can be who I want to be and I can step into a whole new level of living in Christ. The reality is, I would have never figured this out in my 20s or even my 30s. I have figured it out now, in my 40s standing in this big empty space called “the middle”. I believe it has felt empty because I now have a new canvas on which to create the life I truly want to live so today is a celebration of the renewing of my life.

Cheers to the next level!!! I suspect it will be amazing!

Bouncing Back

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Photo by Maria Tyutina on Pexels.com

Bouncing back can be difficult. Just the word “bouncing” seems painful to me because it insinuates the need to hit something very hard and recoil back into the air. Yet, that is exactly what happens each time we “bounce back”. In order to bounce back we have to be falling first, we hit rock bottom and BAM we bounce back. In my life, if I were to literally hit the proverbial “rock” I would have bruise after bruise considering the number of times I have had to bounce and the truth is: I do have them. I have a lot of emotional bruises that often times become very tender when I am reminded of the great fall that caused them in the first place. We all have them and they are repeatedly going to be poked at throughout our lives.

Growing up I wanted to be accepted, just like everyone else. I was on a great track all through elementary school and middle school but something happened my freshman year and rejection became my name. I had been forced by a very popular senior into a position I was uncomfortable with and confided in a “friend”. Within just a few hours the entire school knew and everyone turned against me because I was the newer kid and how dare I say this boy did this!!  In an instant I was a pariah. I was no longer accepted and so the fall began. Eventually we moved but my self esteem had taken a hit and making new friends was more difficult this time around but I had hit the rock and was bouncing back. The bruise was still deep but healing.

Throughout my life it has been poked several times. If I must admit anything, it is that I still feel that pain every time a slight rejection happens. Sometimes I fall again and gain another bruise. Life is like that. We fall down and get up again…a lot. For the longest time, when I would fall, I had to pull myself up. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of strength and oftentimes it was very tiring. Now, I am thankful that I no longer have to pull myself up, instead, I let Jesus lift me up. Admittedly, I often fight Him as He reaches for me. The pain gets to me and I sink a little deeper into the shadows for a while but He always brings me out.

It has been a long time since I have bounced back from rejection because Jesus does not let me hit the rock anymore. He has saved me from ever falling that far from rejection because HE never rejects me. Even when I have made massive mistakes, HE still loves me. I am. never alone.

If you are healing bruises of rejection, shame, suffering & etc., I pray that you will let Jesus soften the blow. I pray you let Him lift you up, because in His strength you have power and support. In His love you have hope and forgiveness. In Him you will survive this life covered in armor that softens your falls until eventually you don’t even fall anymore. Instead, you just trip and He steadies you.

 

Praying For Answers | Meditating His Word

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I have been overly stressed about our adoption lately. It might be because we are at the end of the process and are about to open. Maybe it is my impatience getting to me at the end of a long process. I’ve been through this process twice in 2 years: once in MS and now here in AR. It is taxing and so very difficult. Especially when you get where I am now. We have inquired about several kiddos. We are open to whomever God puts in our home but in my chaos I have struggled in my prayer and began depending on myself and came close to sidelining ( at least I hope it isn’t) a placement that we have been praying on for 7 months now. Such a lesson in staying close to Jesus, especially in times of great transition like we are going through. This morning I panicked and thought “How will we choose? what if we are chosen for more than one child?” I prayed. I spent quiet time with the Lord and this afternoon He answered.

He gave me a gentle reminder that the best thing I can do is follow the example of Jesus when He made decisions. Before selecting his 12 disciples Jesus “went out to the mountain to pray and all night He continued in prayer with God.” ( Luke 6:12 )  I may not be selecting disciples but I am making a lifelong decision that will change the life of a child and my entire family. It is important that who we choose is in line with God’s will for our family. I want the child that enters our home to be chosen by God so I want to be led in this decision. Jesus knew that He had to step away from the chaos and find a quiet place where He could hear God, where He could come to Him in prayer and petition His guidance.

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I need to do the same.

I cannot make right choices in the middle of loud chaos that keeps circling me like a tornado waiting to tear everything apart in just a few seconds so this evening I will retreat. I don’t have a mountain to go to but I do have a nice quiet bedroom that is separate from the rest of the house. Just as Jesus did, I will retreat and I will pray. I will pray all night. I will pray until I hear God tell me to take a break. I will pray. I will listen. I want more than anything for this to be God’s choice because His choices are always good. I know when the choice was His that there will be strength, redemption and love in all that comes in our future together.

No matter what decision you are facing, learn a lesson from Jesus and retreat to hear God guide your way. His way is never wrong. It may be tough, but it is what He has called you to do. It will have good moments and challenging moments, but all moments will be blessed with His presence.

And in it all…..God is so very good.

 

You Were Made For This | Warrior 1

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I find it truly amazing to look around and see the amazing paths God calls each of us to take. Each path different and unique in its own way. Each path full of ups and downs and all kinds in-betweens that require strength and endurance.  Each path a walk that only a warrior can take. You are a warrior. I am a warrior. Even though your path may be different than mine, we walk our paths the same way each and every day: in faith.

One of my favorite yoga poses is Warrior 1. It reminds me of the great stance I take daily as I wake and walk my path: one of fierce faith and endurance. I am a spiritual warrior walking a battleground full of darkness. The world tries to engulf me with negative energies like anxiety and fear that seek to bring down my soul so that I will not continue as a mighty warrior in the army of love. But I am a warrior. My mind, body and spirit are trained up by the Most High King. It is in Him that I defeat, conquer and thrive. His strength fills my soul. His love permeates my deepest being. He brings light into the darkness and when He does I can see clearly that I was made for this.

I was made for the battles in my life. God knew me before I was born (Jeremiah 1:5) and He knew the battles I would face (Deuteronomy 1:30). Nothing I come to surprises Him and when I am living in full faith, it doesn’t surprise me either. Instead I rise up, as the warrior I am in Christ and live fully in the peace and joy that can only come from Him!!

Warrior 1 is a foundational pose, meaning it is a part of the building blocks of your yoga practice.  Just like a foundation in Christ is the building block for your best life, foundational poses are essential for your best yoga practice. Simple as this pose may be, it is a important part of your yoga practice and when your feet are rooted to the ground beneath you, holding your body steady and strong, engaging the erector spinae, muscles that lie along the low spine, the gluteus maximus, the quadriceps, the hamstrings and the adductors of the inner thighs you will find yourself feeling ready to step into the battles God has called you to enter.

Practicing Warrior 1 as a Christian yogi is how I can mentally and physically prepare. myself for the day. It is one of my favorite morning practice poses and I love to meditate on warrior scripture as I enter in and breathe deeply into the pose:

  1. Start in Mountain Pose, standing with your feet hip-width apart and your arms at your sides. Let your mind begin to focus on Jesus.  As you inhale meditate onPsalms 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my safe cover. My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. So my heart is full of joy. I will thank Him with my song. Breathe deeply and evenly, allowing God to strengthen your soul. Draw your awareness to God’s divine love.Turn to the left.
  2. Exhale and step your feet wide apart, about 4 to 5 feet.
  3. Turn your right foot out 90 degrees, so your toes are pointing to the top of the mat.
  4. Turn your left foot inwards at a 45-degree angle.
  5. Align your front heel with the arch of your back foot. Keep your hips turned toward the front of your mat. Inhale and receive the strength God offers you.
  6. Press your weight through your left heel rooting your left heel with the ground below you. Exhale as you bend your right knee over your right ankle. Your shin should be perpendicular to the floor. Lift through the arches of your feet, while rooting down through your ankles feeling the deep strength that can only come from your Father God.
  7. Inhale and reach up strongly through your arms as if reaching out to receive and accept the strength of God. Broaden across your belly, lengthen the sides of your waist, and lift through your chest. Keep your palms and fingers active and reaching with either palms facing each other or touching each other.
  8. Gently tilt your head back and gaze up to the heavens with your face relaxed. Keep your shoulders dropped away from your ears. Allow your shoulder blades to press firmly inward.
  9. Exhale and press down through the outer edge of your back foot, keeping your back leg straight and strong.
  10. Hear God’s word again. Psalms 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my safe cover. My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. So my heart is full of joy. I will thank Him with my song. Continue inhaling and exhaling slowly as you hold this pose for up to one minute. Feel God’s strength permeate your body, muscle by muscle, thought by thought.
  11. As you prepare to release the pose, thank God for the strength He has given you for today. Inhale. Release your weakness and doubts as you relate the pose by pressing your weight through your back heel and straightening your front leg.  Exhale. Lower your arms.  Inhale and turn to the left, reversing the position of your feet, and repeat for the same length of time on the opposite side.

As you practice this pose, remember you are warrior and you were made for this. You were created to be who you are, where you are and when you are. Noting in this life is a mistake or coincidence. The same God that went before you and prepared you way is walking alongside you and giving you every ounce of strength you need to succeed in the call He has given you.