Posted on August 13, 2018
My life is a hot mess at any given time of the day. Hell it’s a mess even in my sleep and if you were able to join in my dreams you would see the truth to that statement. I do not have it all together. I fall apart on a regular basis because I have a damaged heart. My soul has been burdened with so many heavy weights in this world that I often reflect on how I have survived as long as I have. The answer? God.
There is no strength left in me. I am tired. I am worn. My heart hurts at the sufferings I see in my world. I strive for goodness and see less and less of it in others. My peace waivers and my soul aches for unity and love to flood my fellow man. I work hard to show that love to others and some receive it while others stab my words with daggers flying from their tongues like warriors of discontent. Its easy to feel the glow of love but it is devastating to feel the blows of negativity.
Even in the mundane aspects of life the devil seeks to destroy my joy. He takes the daily joys of motherhood, friendship, and family to dark places in an effort to slowly scrape away the bonds so lovingly created and gifted by God. But God. But God. But God.
God has already gone before all of Satan’s attacks. God has held everything together from the beginning. ( Colossians 1:17) He is El Shaddai, the God of sufficiency and almighty power. In Him there is no sting in death, no suffering in sorrow and peaceful, joyous living in the treacherous trenches of daily living here on earth.
In Him the devils advances are nothing more than an annoying mosquito bite that aggravates temporarily but disappears without any more thought. In Him, strength returns with a flood of fury, peace encompasses our lives bit by beautiful bit, and day by day our resilience is a glorious example of His everlasting love.
There is no need for fear. There is no room for doubt and negativity when the doors to our heart and mind are open to God’s unfailing word and never-ending grace and mercy. He is the healer of all hurts. He is the army that destroys the devil’s minions. He is the power and the glory that heals all of the earth. Negativity has no place here. Satan has no place here. Only God. Only God.
We will have days where we feel misunderstood, shaken to our core and beat down by the evils in this world. There is no question about that. There are days that, in my imperfection, I am falling apart yet His Word is the glue that holds my fallen mind, body and soul together when I feel like falling apart.
Are you falling today? Will you let Him hold you together? No matter where you are and how dark it feels, pick up the Bible and see light. The light is there, you just have to seek it.
Posted on August 2, 2018
Bouncing back can be difficult. Just the word “bouncing” seems painful to me because it insinuates the need to hit something very hard and recoil back into the air. Yet, that is exactly what happens each time we “bounce back”. In order to bounce back we have to be falling first, we hit rock bottom and BAM we bounce back. In my life, if I were to literally hit the proverbial “rock” I would have bruise after bruise considering the number of times I have had to bounce and the truth is: I do have them. I have a lot of emotional bruises that often times become very tender when I am reminded of the great fall that caused them in the first place. We all have them and they are repeatedly going to be poked at throughout our lives.
Growing up I wanted to be accepted, just like everyone else. I was on a great track all through elementary school and middle school but something happened my freshman year and rejection became my name. I had been forced by a very popular senior into a position I was uncomfortable with and confided in a “friend”. Within just a few hours the entire school knew and everyone turned against me because I was the newer kid and how dare I say this boy did this!! In an instant I was a pariah. I was no longer accepted and so the fall began. Eventually we moved but my self esteem had taken a hit and making new friends was more difficult this time around but I had hit the rock and was bouncing back. The bruise was still deep but healing.
Throughout my life it has been poked several times. If I must admit anything, it is that I still feel that pain every time a slight rejection happens. Sometimes I fall again and gain another bruise. Life is like that. We fall down and get up again…a lot. For the longest time, when I would fall, I had to pull myself up. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of strength and oftentimes it was very tiring. Now, I am thankful that I no longer have to pull myself up, instead, I let Jesus lift me up. Admittedly, I often fight Him as He reaches for me. The pain gets to me and I sink a little deeper into the shadows for a while but He always brings me out.
It has been a long time since I have bounced back from rejection because Jesus does not let me hit the rock anymore. He has saved me from ever falling that far from rejection because HE never rejects me. Even when I have made massive mistakes, HE still loves me. I am. never alone.
If you are healing bruises of rejection, shame, suffering & etc., I pray that you will let Jesus soften the blow. I pray you let Him lift you up, because in His strength you have power and support. In His love you have hope and forgiveness. In Him you will survive this life covered in armor that softens your falls until eventually you don’t even fall anymore. Instead, you just trip and He steadies you.
Posted on July 3, 2018
I love this photo. This woman looks content and happy. She looks relaxed and strong. Her photograph is a gentle reminder of how I should feel, at all times, on this inside because of the strength I have in Jesus Christ. Philippians 4:13 says ” I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me”. ALL THINGS.
The great things about Jesus is this: He gives inner strength and a confident peace. It is in HIs sufficiency that I am self-sufficient. Without Him there is no “self” sufficiency. This was a freedom bomb dropped my lap this morning as I prayed over my life: you can let go of your “self” sufficiency and relax because it isn’t “you” who empowers and strengthens, it is Jesus. Let that soak in. I had to allow it to wash over me like a cool ocean wave on a hot summer day. Pure freedom. I can relax because Jesus has my strength. I can be content because Jesus brings peace. I can make it through anything because Jesus empowers me. I don’t need to do anything other than to release my idea of my own self-sufficiency, recognize my weakness and sin and accept the salvation of God’s sweet, free and undeserved grace in Jesus Christ. When I do that, I find Jesus residing in my heart with HIS strength that is made perfect in my weakness.
When life gives me trials, when raising my children becomes difficult, when my marriage is struggling, when my finances are less than desirable, when I feel overwhelmed, I can be like the woman in this photo: happy, relaxed, strong and confident in my Jesus. Confident in His strength. Confident in knowing I will make it through because He make me who I am. He is my strength, my peace, and my power and He constantly lives within me.
The beauty of this is not lost on me today as we meet this week to discuss our possible adoptive placement. We have an opportunity to place with a sweet boy with a beautiful smile and a heart that is severely wounded. His needs will be plenty. His healing will take time. We will need patience and guidance. There will be struggles as we help him navigate through a permanent transition into our home, yet, this morning all those struggles do not seem insurmountable. In Christ we can provide his every need. In Christ he will overcome and his wounds will heal. In Christ every need will be met.
Our adventure is about to begin, and as I enter the gate of our new journey, I feel confident in Jesus. That is ALL I need.
Posted on June 12, 2018
The fruits of the Spirit have always gained my attention. I know that if I can have those fruits in my life that I will be living in the Spirit and therefore living my best life. Easier said than done. The devil knows the exact moment that you ask for those fruits and does his best to derail any effort you are making to allow the Spirit to fill you with a certain fruit. The past few days I have been focused on forbearance. This particular fruit has evaded me daily and I truly wanted to understand and allow the Spirit to fill me with it and the devil has put my teenager front and center to derail me each day.
As I write this I have just finished another confrontation with her. She walked into my room to tell me good morning and saw me studying my Bible. She excused herself and five minutes later I can hear her voice right outside my bedroom door that leads to the patio. I assume she is talking to her sister or someone on the phone because she is being terribly loud. This is the second day that she has been very loud as I am trying to study the Word of God making it difficult to concentrate. Yesterday I failed. I had no forbearance whatsoever. I tried, I promise I did, but I wasn’t living in the Spirit. I entered the room on my own strengths, or shall I say weakness, and initially politely asked her to stop. She kept going. I tried to be nice. She kept going. BAM. I yelled at her. Not so forbearing.
This morning, as I studied, I realized what I had done wrong yesterday. I had tried on my own without inviting the Spirit to overcome my weakness. This morning, as the frustration welled up inside the deepest depths of my soul at the teenager outside my door, I stopped before I walked through the door. I learned this morning that forbearance is patience. It is mercy. It is a gentle and tolerant way of handling aggravating situations, including rude teenagers. Proverbs 25:15 had been brought to my attention ” By forbearance is a ruler persuaded and a soft tongue breaks the bone”. Before I opened that door I prayed:
Lord God in Heaven, cause my tongue to be soft. Cover my anger and frustration with your mercy and patience. Don’t let me speak, let your Holy Spirit speak for me.
Then I opened the door. There sat my teen with a book and my dog. There was no one outside with her. She deemed it necessary to take a book right outside my door and read it out loud to the dog. Not just out loud…but LOUD! Never in my life have I been more thankful for the Holy Spirit than I was at that moment. My weakness would have reacted in a very negative way. I would have yelled, because if I am being honest, that was the most annoying and aggravating thing I have experienced this week so far. I would have ranted and gave an hour long lecture on the respect of space and my time with the Lord. I would have made it a point to make a point, but not the Spirit.
I stood in the doorway and asked gently, “what are you doing? who are you talking to?” She responded that she was reading the book out loud to the dog as if there was no problem with that at all. My response, or rather the Spirits, was ” You know I am in my room studying my Bible. You are being loud and causing me to not be able to concentrate or even pray. That is not acceptable. I am going to need you to come inside and read quietly, to yourself, on the couch.” That was it. It was simple. It was gentle. It was merciful and above all, it was spiritual. It was ALL the Spirit.
Bones do not break easily and neither do teens. They are in a struggle with their parents for control. Yelling and lecturing have not served our situation well but a soft tongue can handle even the most difficult teen.
As I sat to finish my study and pray I realized the lesson I had just received from the Lord:
In order to have the fruit of forbearance I must ask and allow the Spirit to soften my speech and increase my patience always remembering that the outcome of this is that I will automatically call on Him before approaching any situation with my teen, or anything else for that matter, and mercy and patience will be the response. Today I was shown just how easy that can be if I stop, pray and then move forward!!
Category: Christian Living Tagged: adoption, brokenness, Christian growth, Christian Living, christian meditation, faith, faithfulness, forbearance, foster care, foster children, fostering, fruit of the spirit, grace, life decisions, mercy, moving forward, patience, patient parenting, tough decisions, trusting God, waiting patiently
Posted on June 10, 2018
I have been overly stressed about our adoption lately. It might be because we are at the end of the process and are about to open. Maybe it is my impatience getting to me at the end of a long process. I’ve been through this process twice in 2 years: once in MS and now here in AR. It is taxing and so very difficult. Especially when you get where I am now. We have inquired about several kiddos. We are open to whomever God puts in our home but in my chaos I have struggled in my prayer and began depending on myself and came close to sidelining ( at least I hope it isn’t) a placement that we have been praying on for 7 months now. Such a lesson in staying close to Jesus, especially in times of great transition like we are going through. This morning I panicked and thought “How will we choose? what if we are chosen for more than one child?” I prayed. I spent quiet time with the Lord and this afternoon He answered.
He gave me a gentle reminder that the best thing I can do is follow the example of Jesus when He made decisions. Before selecting his 12 disciples Jesus “went out to the mountain to pray and all night He continued in prayer with God.” ( Luke 6:12 ) I may not be selecting disciples but I am making a lifelong decision that will change the life of a child and my entire family. It is important that who we choose is in line with God’s will for our family. I want the child that enters our home to be chosen by God so I want to be led in this decision. Jesus knew that He had to step away from the chaos and find a quiet place where He could hear God, where He could come to Him in prayer and petition His guidance.
I need to do the same.
I cannot make right choices in the middle of loud chaos that keeps circling me like a tornado waiting to tear everything apart in just a few seconds so this evening I will retreat. I don’t have a mountain to go to but I do have a nice quiet bedroom that is separate from the rest of the house. Just as Jesus did, I will retreat and I will pray. I will pray all night. I will pray until I hear God tell me to take a break. I will pray. I will listen. I want more than anything for this to be God’s choice because His choices are always good. I know when the choice was His that there will be strength, redemption and love in all that comes in our future together.
No matter what decision you are facing, learn a lesson from Jesus and retreat to hear God guide your way. His way is never wrong. It may be tough, but it is what He has called you to do. It will have good moments and challenging moments, but all moments will be blessed with His presence.
And in it all…..God is so very good.
Category: adoption, Christian Living Tagged: adoption, brokenness, Christian growth, Christian Living, christian meditation, christian yogi, faith, faithfulness, foster adoption, foster care, let god lead, life decisions, meditation, moving forward, tough decisions, trusting God, waiting patiently, warrior
Posted on June 8, 2018
I find it truly amazing to look around and see the amazing paths God calls each of us to take. Each path different and unique in its own way. Each path full of ups and downs and all kinds in-betweens that require strength and endurance. Each path a walk that only a warrior can take. You are a warrior. I am a warrior. Even though your path may be different than mine, we walk our paths the same way each and every day: in faith.
One of my favorite yoga poses is Warrior 1. It reminds me of the great stance I take daily as I wake and walk my path: one of fierce faith and endurance. I am a spiritual warrior walking a battleground full of darkness. The world tries to engulf me with negative energies like anxiety and fear that seek to bring down my soul so that I will not continue as a mighty warrior in the army of love. But I am a warrior. My mind, body and spirit are trained up by the Most High King. It is in Him that I defeat, conquer and thrive. His strength fills my soul. His love permeates my deepest being. He brings light into the darkness and when He does I can see clearly that I was made for this.
I was made for the battles in my life. God knew me before I was born (Jeremiah 1:5) and He knew the battles I would face (Deuteronomy 1:30). Nothing I come to surprises Him and when I am living in full faith, it doesn’t surprise me either. Instead I rise up, as the warrior I am in Christ and live fully in the peace and joy that can only come from Him!!
Warrior 1 is a foundational pose, meaning it is a part of the building blocks of your yoga practice. Just like a foundation in Christ is the building block for your best life, foundational poses are essential for your best yoga practice. Simple as this pose may be, it is a important part of your yoga practice and when your feet are rooted to the ground beneath you, holding your body steady and strong, engaging the erector spinae, muscles that lie along the low spine, the gluteus maximus, the quadriceps, the hamstrings and the adductors of the inner thighs you will find yourself feeling ready to step into the battles God has called you to enter.
Practicing Warrior 1 as a Christian yogi is how I can mentally and physically prepare. myself for the day. It is one of my favorite morning practice poses and I love to meditate on warrior scripture as I enter in and breathe deeply into the pose:
As you practice this pose, remember you are warrior and you were made for this. You were created to be who you are, where you are and when you are. Noting in this life is a mistake or coincidence. The same God that went before you and prepared you way is walking alongside you and giving you every ounce of strength you need to succeed in the call He has given you.
Posted on June 7, 2018
Today I came across this amazing quote and it resonated deeply within me that THIS is where lives change. When light is introduced in the darkness, when love is introduced over fear, lives change. Mine did the day I let the light of Jesus Christ into my life. My darkness slowly faded because the light overcame it. My past forgiven and dissipating in importance. My heart that had stopped growing in the darkness had been broken in a million pieces, but suddenly it began to heal and grow love. Once the light is introduced, love comes naturally. This is how my life changed, and this is how the lives of adopted children change.
Children in foster care come from a lot of darkness. It manifests itself in different ways but most always in behavior. Their hearts are broken. Some are shattered. The life they deserved to have was taken from them. They didn’t ask to be where they are, but here they stand: broken, hurt and in the dark. They are scared. They are angry. The teens have been here a while and they don’t see a way out. Their hearts have hardened and in this darkness they know nothing other than survival.
But light overcomes the darkness because darkness is simply the absence of light. Adoptive parents are beacons of light in a dark world. Teens need that beacon just as much as I needed Jesus Christ at 30 years old. Yes, they have been in the dark longer. Yes, their hearts are much harder than younger children but I have not ever met a heart that the light of Jesus Christ couldn’t soften.
Many fear adopting teens, especially teen boys, but the truth is fear is a liar. Fear is darkness trying to keep darkness around a little bit longer. Fear seeks to continue hardening a heart and if fear can win in your life, there is one more teen that will continue to live in darkness. When that happens, fear wins. Don’t let fear win. Be the light.
If you choose to the a beacon of light for a teen in foster care you have chosen to love. You have chosen the Gospel. You have chosen Jesus. Yes, there will be difficult times. That teen is struggling to see your light. They are afraid this won’t last. They are acting out of fear and survival. Continue to be the light. Continue to be love. You have overcome your fears, now they need to overcome theirs. Pray them through it. Let God show you where you are needed in that teens life. Continue to be the light.
Light will overcome darkness and love will overcome fear. Their fear. Your fear. Then, before you even realize it, Jesus will have healed a broken heart and you will see it begin to grow in His light. How beautiful it is to see that growth. Like a lotus flower blooming after making its way through the muck, through the dark and straight into the light!!!
But first: you must open the door and let that teen in!!!
I am looking forward to our adoption of a teen boy. I cannot wait to see the growth season. It will be mucky for a little bit, but I know the growth season will come. That will be a glorious day!!!!!