Posted on August 2, 2018
Bouncing back can be difficult. Just the word “bouncing” seems painful to me because it insinuates the need to hit something very hard and recoil back into the air. Yet, that is exactly what happens each time we “bounce back”. In order to bounce back we have to be falling first, we hit rock bottom and BAM we bounce back. In my life, if I were to literally hit the proverbial “rock” I would have bruise after bruise considering the number of times I have had to bounce and the truth is: I do have them. I have a lot of emotional bruises that often times become very tender when I am reminded of the great fall that caused them in the first place. We all have them and they are repeatedly going to be poked at throughout our lives.
Growing up I wanted to be accepted, just like everyone else. I was on a great track all through elementary school and middle school but something happened my freshman year and rejection became my name. I had been forced by a very popular senior into a position I was uncomfortable with and confided in a “friend”. Within just a few hours the entire school knew and everyone turned against me because I was the newer kid and how dare I say this boy did this!! In an instant I was a pariah. I was no longer accepted and so the fall began. Eventually we moved but my self esteem had taken a hit and making new friends was more difficult this time around but I had hit the rock and was bouncing back. The bruise was still deep but healing.
Throughout my life it has been poked several times. If I must admit anything, it is that I still feel that pain every time a slight rejection happens. Sometimes I fall again and gain another bruise. Life is like that. We fall down and get up again…a lot. For the longest time, when I would fall, I had to pull myself up. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of strength and oftentimes it was very tiring. Now, I am thankful that I no longer have to pull myself up, instead, I let Jesus lift me up. Admittedly, I often fight Him as He reaches for me. The pain gets to me and I sink a little deeper into the shadows for a while but He always brings me out.
It has been a long time since I have bounced back from rejection because Jesus does not let me hit the rock anymore. He has saved me from ever falling that far from rejection because HE never rejects me. Even when I have made massive mistakes, HE still loves me. I am. never alone.
If you are healing bruises of rejection, shame, suffering & etc., I pray that you will let Jesus soften the blow. I pray you let Him lift you up, because in His strength you have power and support. In His love you have hope and forgiveness. In Him you will survive this life covered in armor that softens your falls until eventually you don’t even fall anymore. Instead, you just trip and He steadies you.
Posted on May 30, 2018
In my soul of souls I am a dreamer. I have seen some come to fruition and others I still pursue. I believe our dreams are put in our souls by the One who can help us make them a reality. I have seen it happen many times in my own life. Dreams come true that otherwise would not have if not by the hands of God Himself. I love that I have dreams. I love that I can vividly visualize them as I seek to bring each small aspect together to reveal the bigger picture: the actualization of the dream!
I was a very active person before I got sick. I danced. I ran. I played volleyball. In high school I cheered. I loved movement, any kind of movement. I felt at home in a body hat moved. Maybe that is why, for several years now, I have not felt comfortable in my own skin; because the body that once moved has not in a very long time. Even though it longs to move and feel free it fights itself and and it tires easily now. It is no longer 27 but rather it is 47. It has deconditioned in the past 10 years of fighting MS and RA and whatever else has tried to invade it. Sometimes, it feels hopeless and I lose my drive to achieve my dreams. I question whether or not I will even be able to achieve them and I try to give up. I often try very hard to give up….but my soul will not let me.
I have a dream and I want to achieve it. Nothing can take that desire from me.
Keep on dreaming. Keep on going. Keep on striving. Do not give up. Life is not over yet. There is still so much more to achieve and many more moments to live. Today I am choosing to keep on dreaming and in that I will keep on trying. I will keep changing my eating habits to achieve my dream. I will keep on exercising as best my body will allow. I will keep learning and gaining wisdom. I will continue to put my trust in the One who put the dream in my heart because He is in the business of achievement. He redeems. He blesses. He heals. He opens doors. I just need to trust and patiently wait in the liminal spaces.
A funny thing about liminal space, the waiting spaces of life, is that they can often feel empty. I have never been comfortable with empty space. It never made sense to me. I just had to fill it with things. Things I thought brought joy and peace. Things that I thought had worth. Before I knew it, the space was so full I had no space to move. I felt smothered.
Empty space now makes perfect sense. The places of waiting make sense. I need both in order to move! Movement breathes life into my body and liminal space breathes life into my soul. Now I have to make the choice to be free in the space I am in. To free myself of clutter: emotionally, physically and spiritually. I need to de-clutter to move about freely and realize my dreams!!! I need to have that empty space where I can meet with Jesus, one on one, without distraction. A space where I can hear Him speak and allow Him to show me how to follow the dreams He has given me.