Posted on August 8, 2018
Writing a memoir about the worst parts of your life is so difficult and yet so healing. Today I am editing the chapter on my hellacious relationship with food over the years. Some of this is so embarrassing. I cannot believe the lengths I went to just to “look perfect” and the irony of it all is that now, I am so far from perfect that the young me would fall apart if she knew this is how we would look at 47 and I am this way because of the choices the younger me made! The healing aspect is so vivid though. I can look back and see where my disordered eating began and the raw truthfulness in my memoir has brought it to the surface where I have to face it and move past it. The opposite of disorder is order and I need a leveled out relationship with food now. Its the only way I will get healthy. There are no quick fixes. There are no magic pills. No amount of excess exercise will make permanent change. There is no perfection in disorder and in all honesty there is no perfection period. For years I have chased the dream of thin, tan perfect legs and arms with a flat tummy. I even attained it several times in my life but my disordered relationship with food always caused a downfall and weight gain. This is where the beautiful redemption of an amazingly loving Heavenly Father comes in and sweeps me right off my feet and reminds me that PERFECTION IS A LIE. He reminds me that my past may be a huge mess of imperfect disorderly relationships including one with food, but again, my past is past and today we move forward. Today we admit our wrongs and move forward step by step in recovery and redemption. Today we choose not to look at all these “perfect” women on instagram and instead focus on sharing the healing qualities of an Almighty God who loves me and thankfully renews me daily and today He has gently reminded me that food was created for my health. It was not created for relationship or for an emotional crutch. It is simply here for nourishment of my body. This is the shift in perspective that I needed to find redemption from a life long battle with disordered eating. I am so thankful. This memoir has been a healing journey and I am excited to start this blog and share more of my redemption story as it continues!!!